Favorite Quotes From The Office:  

(Mostly Dwight)


• "The purse girl hits all the things I'm looking for on my checklist.   Genetically, she's a perfect match.
  Hips, teeth, back, calves, hair... I haven't seen the feet.   And great breasts, of course.  
  For my children.   The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies."   Dwight
  
  

• "Things happen for a reason....
  Just like Anakin Skywalker was destined to become Darth Vader,
  my destiny is to sell paper....
  That's what I was put on earth to do."   Dwight
  
  

• "Why are all these people here?   There's too many people on this earth.
  We need a new plague.   Who are all these people? "   Dwight
  
  

• "And how did you get my resume? ... I just don't know if that's my official resume,
  or something that a satisfied customer may have posted....
  What does it say under Martial Arts training?"   Dwight
  
  

• "How would I describe myself? Three words:
  Hard-working.   Alpha-male.   Jackhammer.   Merciless.   insatiable."   Dwight
  
  
• "I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves.
  I shot one once, but by the time I got to it,
  it had turned back into my neighbor's dog."   Dwight
  
  

• "What separates humans from jungle beasts?
  We have rules.   When humans give each other
  gifts, we do it properly, and orderly.   When bears
  give each other gifts, they just tear open
  a fox carcass and present it to their mate."   Dwight
  
  

• "Michael has no honor.   If this were Japan, he'd be an outcast.
  Well, that's not totally true because Asians worship chest hair"   Dwight
  
  

• "Hug it out, bitch... That is what men say to each other after a fight....
  Not a good idea to say to a woman however, I have found.
  It doesn't translate."   Michael
  
  

• "It's not the '80s anymore....   We're still a family here... but families grow.
    And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore.   I'm upper management now,
  and it's not appropriate for me to take a bath with Pam, as much as I might want to".   Michael

• "Hello, son.   If you're watching this, that means
  I'm already dead.   Life is a road - life is precious,
  and if I die I want my son to know the dealio.
  The Dealio of Life.... Here are some things
  that I want to teach you that your mother won't be able to
  .... To jump start a car: First pop the hood
  ... Number eight.   Learn how to take off a woman's bra
  .... You just twist your hand until something breaks."   Michael
  
  

• "It's really the best day of all time.
  Although, I guess, if you're Jewish, it's just like "Thursday"."   Michael
  
  

• "Unbelievable.   I do the nicest things anyone
  has ever done for these people and they freak
  out.... I wanted this party to be fun.   I wanted
  people making out in closets.   I wanted lampshades on heads."   Michael
  
  

• "Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care.
  It's like a tangible thing that you can point to and say,
  "Hey man, I love you... this many dollars."   Michael
  
  

• "I picked Eminem because he's the one who said, "You don't have to be black to rap."
  Which is what I've been saying for years."   Michael
  
  

• "If women don't feel safe, they can't have fun.   For example, Jan and I have a safe word
  if things go too far.   "Foliage".   As soon as one of us says that word, the other one
  has to stop.   Although last time she pretended she didn't hear me."   Michael
  
  

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